How to Be Okay With Missing Milestones When You Live Abroad
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I had my first taste of living away from home at 20, when I moved from Melbourne to the Gold Coast for uni. Although I threw myself fully into my life there, spending weekends with my new friends at the beach (and ending many a night out with a barefoot walk home through Surfers), one of the things I remember most from that time was the regret of missing out on important milestones back home – friends’ 21sts, my sister’s high school graduation, and seeing my baby brother take his first steps.
When I moved back to Melbourne after uni, I remember telling myself I’d be there for the long haul, and for all the big milestones that mattered.
Who knew that just a few years later, I’d be even further away from home in Spain, missing out on events I’d always imagined being around for – watching lifelong friends get married, and being there to raise my babies alongside theirs.
As any expat knows, living abroad often means not being there for the big events – weddings, anniversaries, Christmases, births, or even just a good old birthday barbie with friends. It’s a paradox: while we’re pursuing a new life and friendships in another country, missing the milestones of our loved ones back home can leave us feeling like we’ve lost something we’ll never be able to get back.
And while there’s no perfect solution that can fully take those feelings of guilt and loss away, there are some strategies that can help make it easier. Here are some of the ones I’ve found the most useful in helping me cope with missing those big life events back home.
1. Plan ahead for key events (and be honest about what you can and can’t do)
Living abroad often means making tough decisions about when to visit home. As much as we’d all love to be there for every big event (and might have even told ourselves we would be!), the distance, cost, and time involved often make this impossible.
Sometimes, the hardest part of missing milestones is feeling like you’ve let people down. Being transparent with your loved ones about the challenges of attending – whether they’re financial, logistical, or work-related – can help them understand your perspective.
It can help to set boundaries about what you can realistically manage. When you can’t attend, let your family and friends know as early as possible. Being honest can help manage their expectations and reduce guilt or pressure on your end. Explain your situation sympathetically but clearly, and trust that the people who care about you will try their best to be understanding.
If you know a significant milestone is on the horizon and you’re committed to not missing it, prioritise it early. Set up a dedicated savings fund for travel expenses, keep an eye out for flight deals or discounts, and make sure to organise your work and social calendars around it well in advance.
You could also see if there’s a way to celebrate multiple milestones all at once, which could make it more practical for you to participate. My best friends and I are all turning 40 next year, and are planning a joint holiday to celebrate – something that works a lot better given our work and family commitments, and the fact we’re scattered across three different continents!
2. Be there virtually
Just because you can’t be at a big event physically, doesn’t mean you can’t still be a part of it. Ask your friends or family if they can live-stream the event so that you can witness key moments in real-time. If this isn’t possible, consider pre-recording a message, toast, or even a short video to be played during the event.
If you are attending an event virtually, go all in! Get dressed up as if you were attending it in-person, send a gift ahead of time, and follow it up with a personal message afterward. No, it’s not exactly the same as being there in person, but these small gestures show that you care, and can be an equally valid way to show your support.
If possible, you could also plan a belated celebration. For example, if you miss a big birthday, arrange a special dinner or day out when you next visit home. Putting in that effort can often mean a whole lot more to your friends and family than you realise.
3. Focus on building local connections
Loneliness often stems from the lack of familiar faces and experiences. That’s why building a strong support network in your new home can help alleviate that feeling. Focus on deepening your relationship with your local friends, creating your own traditions and celebrations, like weekend getaways or a regular brunch date.
If you don’t yet have this support network, look for opportunities to meet people who share your interests or background. You could take language classes, join sports teams, or look for hobby-specific meetups. (Expat groups can be a great starting point, but also make sure not to overlook the value of connecting with locals!)
You could also think about giving back to your community as a way to foster deeper connections. Volunteering for a local cause, teaching English, or even participating in neighbourhood events can introduce you to people who can make you feel part of something larger.
Although these moments might be different from what you might experience with your family and friends back home, they can help create a sense of belonging where you are. And you might just be surprised at how quickly new traditions can become just as meaningful as old ones.
4. Accept the reality of change
Living abroad is an exercise in accepting change, especially when it comes to relationships. It can be hard to swallow, but not everyone in your life will adapt to the new dynamic of a long-distance friendship. And once you’ve learned to be okay with this, things will get easier.
Recognise and prioritise the friendships that are worth the effort. Focus on people who consistently reciprocate your efforts (whether that’s through regular calls, thoughtful messages, or gestures of care).
Other relationships may fade over time. But this is a normal part of life, even without the added challenge of distance. People grow and change in different directions, and some relationships may simply represent a chapter that no longer fits into your current reality.
It’s completely natural to grieve these losses, and it’s important to acknowledge the sadness. But dwelling too much on relationships that are no longer healthy for you can take away energy from the ones that really matter. By letting go of guilt or self-blame, you free yourself to focus on nurturing the connections that still bring joy to your life.
5. Reflect on your ‘why’
When the homesickness hits hard, it’s easy to lose sight of why you chose to move abroad in the first place. On those tough days, take a moment to reconnect with your reasons. Was it for career growth? Adventure? To be with your partner? Reminding yourself of these motivations can give you a renewed sense of purpose.
It can help to write down the positives you’ve gained from this experience. Maybe it’s learning a new language, developing resilience, or exposing your children to a different culture. Although the sacrifices can feel huge and even overwhelming, looking at the bigger picture can help you refocus on the benefits of your decision.
Another great way to stay centred is to create visual reminders of your journey, like a photo wall of memorable experiences, a scrapbook, or even a digital album. It’s easy to forget how much you’ve grown and achieved when you’re focused on the day-to-day, and these can serve as a tangible reminder of what you’re building in your new home.
6. Take care of your mental health
Missing out on milestones can take an emotional toll. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings rather than suppress them. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, make sure you have someone you can talk openly about your struggles to, whether that’s a trusted friend, partner, or therapist.
Although we often use social media as a way to feel connected to our friends and family back home, it can actually be a double-edged sword. Seeing photos and updates of events you’re missing can sometimes make you feel even more homesick. If this happens, don’t hesitate to take a break or limit your time online.
Finally, make sure to connect with others who understand your experience. Whether through local expat groups or online forums, sharing your journey with people in similar situations can provide some practical advice, and a bit of comfort. Knowing you’re not alone can make a world of difference.
7. Embrace the bittersweet nature of expat life
When you live abroad, you gain so much, yet you lose certain things, too. As I’ve learned from watching Inside Out with my kids way too many times, it’s okay to feel joy and sorrow at the same time, because these emotions are not mutually exclusive.
Grieve the moments you miss, but don’t let that grief overshadow the incredible experiences you’re gaining. Acknowledge your feelings of loss, but also celebrate the resilience and adaptability you’ve developed. Living abroad is not easy, and every challenge you overcome is a testament to your strength. These achievements don’t erase the sacrifices, but they do highlight your growth as a more empathetic, open-minded, and resilient person.
Final thoughts
These are all strategies I’ve used to accept the major events I’ve missed out on, but perhaps the single most important way to deal with missing milestones is to redefine how you measure connection with loved ones. Instead of focusing solely on being present for big moments, focus on being consistently present in small, meaningful ways throughout the year.
That could be a regular monthly call with your sibling over coffee, swapping voice notes about your day with a best friend, or starting a digital family photo album where everyone contributes. I’ve found that these small, steady connections can sometimes feel even more meaningful than a one-off appearance at a big event.
It can be helpful to think about it this way: relationships are not defined by physical proximity, but by the quality of your effort to stay connected. There’s plenty of smaller ways you can show your love and presence, the sum of which will often be remembered far beyond the missed milestone.
Do you have any other tips for coping with missed milestones? Let us know in the comments below!
