Lost the Love for Your City? Here’s How to Get it Back
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Expat life is full of contrasts. One minute you’re living your best life, soaking up all the sights of your adopted new city and immersing yourself in the culture. And the next, you’re throwing up your arms because your commute to work is ridiculous, everything stinks (figuratively and literally), and things are just not like they are back home.
From what I’ve seen, this love/hate relationship seems to be a normal part of the experience of living abroad. It’s certainly how I felt when I was living in London. Although I loved the buzz, the history, and exploring its different boroughs and neighbourhoods, I did not love the crowded Tube stations, the endless rushing from place to place, and the all-too-many occasions where I just didn’t feel safe walking down the street.
I felt like these two extremes were in constant battle with one another — one side trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay, and the other trying to convince me to bail right then and there (a side which eventually won, although it took a couple of years!).
Now in Barcelona, things are a little more easygoing, although I still get moments where the city drives me mad (heck, even the locals get fed up with it from time to time). My point is: no matter where you’re living, there will be times where you will simply be over it.
But like any relationship, there will always be ups as well as downs. And the good news is there are things you can do to start enjoying — and eventually even fall back in love with — your new home again.
So if you’re determined to stick things out, here are a few things you can try out. But first, let’s explore why this whole dynamic exists in the first place.
Why it’s normal to have a love/hate relationship with your new home
So, why do we all go through this rollercoaster of loving/hating our new home? Well, it all boils down to one thing: culture shock.
According to research, there are five stages to culture shock. While the names of the stages can vary slightly depending on who you listen to, most agree that the first stage is the Honeymoon phase.
As you can guess, this is the warm and fuzzy phase. It’s when you’ve just arrived in a new country, and everything is fresh and exciting - a bit like when you go on holiday somewhere for the first time, and have the time of your life because you know you only have a few days there. It’s that brief period of optimism where you can see yourself there long-term — which is easy to do, when all you’re doing is having fun!
But as we all know, reality soon sets in. And that’s when you know you’re in stage two. It’s a stage that goes by many names, but all of them are fitting: Frustration, Rejection, Hostility, Distress, and even Cultural Crisis.
Here is when the little quirks you may have glossed over at first start to really get on your nerves. Whether it’s the bureaucracy, the crowds, the language, or the weather (Seasonal Affective Disorder is no small thing!), you’ll find yourself easily getting irritated by your surroundings. Even in a culture that might appear fairly similar to ours, subtle differences can stack up and eventually undermine that initial feeling of familiarity you may have had.
This is when the indefinite nature of your stay starts to really dawn on you. At this point, you’ll start to feel homesick, and might even be contemplating a move back. And that’s why the goal here is to move to the next stages — Gradual Adjustment, and eventually, Deep Adaptation.
Here’s when things will begin to feel a little more normal. You’ll find yourself getting into a routine, and will become more familiar with your surroundings. Maybe you’ll find a job, or make some new friends, or just get more comfortable with the language. All these things will slowly help to make expat life a little easier — to the point where you’ll stop drawing comparisons, and accept that while things here are different, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
While they say it can take between six to twelve months to reach these stages, I personally think there’s no hard-and-fast rule to this. Everyone goes through the journey at their own pace, and you might even find yourself going back and forth between stages.
(The last stage, by the way, is Re-entry Shock, where you return back home and find yourself in a bit of a cultural limbo. But that’s a topic for another day!)
So yes: it’s completely possible to salvage that relationship, and fall back in love with a place that you convinced yourself just wasn’t for you. And here’s how to do it.
1. Reconnect with what you first loved
When you're stuck in that love/hate rut with your adopted home, it can be easy to forget why you chose to live there in the first place. But those reasons are still there. You might just need to dig a little to find them again.
Think about the excitement you felt when you first arrived, and the sense of adventure when everything was new. Well, it’s time to channel that energy and reconnect with those parts of the city that made you fall in love in the first place.
So hit up the charming little café where you’d sip your coffee and people-watch, or the park where you used to take long walks and enjoy the tranquility. Whatever it was that sparked your joy early on, make time to revisit those places.
It might not feel exactly the same as it did when you first got here. But that’s okay. You’ve changed, and so has your relationship with the city. What matters is that by actively seeking out those positive experiences, you’ll start to rekindle that sense of wonder you once had.
2. Get to know the history
One of the best ways to reignite your appreciation for a place is to get familiar with its history. Every city has a story, and chances are, there's a lot more to your adopted home than meets the eye.
Cities evolve over time. And although it might not be obvious, the quirks that confuse or frustrate you today are likely rooted in a long history of cultural, political, or even geographical shifts.
For example, if the public transport system drives you up the wall, look into why it was designed that way. (Fun fact: the Tube tunnel near Bank station is curved rather than straight, in order to avoid the vaults of the Bank of England.) Or if you’ve ever wondered about the city's architecture, dig into its origins. Who knows - these things you once found bizarre might actually end up becoming a fascinating part of the city’s story.
Getting up close with the history can also help give you a different perspective. Take the time to visit historical landmarks or museums, especially ones you haven’t visited before. You could join a historical walking tour, or read books about the city's past. Even if you’re not a history buff, knowing the stories behind the architecture, monuments, and culture will make it hard for you to see the city the same way after.
3. Embrace the local culture
It’s easy to feel out of place when everything around you feels different from what you’re used to. But that’s also one of the biggest perks of living abroad! So, look at this as your chance to live like a local, and make your experience even more meaningful.
Start by picking up the local language, even if it’s just a few key phrases. You don’t need to be fluent overnight, but small efforts — like learning how to order your favourite coffee or greeting your neighbours — can go a long way.
Another great way to immerse yourself is by exploring local art, music, and community events. Enjoy a street fair, visit a gallery showcasing local artists, or catch a performance of traditional music or dance. You might find yourself inspired in a way you completely didn’t expect.
Here in Barcelona, I remember walking home on my street one day, only to stumble across this incredible sight (if you have a minute, I highly recommend Googling “castellers”, or the Catalan human towers - they’re truly impressive):
Get acquainted with the traditions and customs by celebrating local holidays, trying local dishes, or even making an effort to understand how people approach things like time or personal space. The key here is to get out of your comfort zone and experience the city on its terms. Before you know it, these once unfamiliar customs might just become part of your everyday life.
4. Get out of the city
One of my biggest regrets about my time in London was not getting out of the city enough to explore the rest of the UK. I found way too many excuses for not doing it — not having a car, the trains being too expensive — but looking back on it, I can see how taking the occasional break from the city would have strengthened my relationship with it.
Sometimes, you just need a breather. And a day trip or weekend away — even if it’s just to a nearby town or village — can let you return with a renewed appreciation for what the city has to offer. It might even give you a chance to actually miss it!
One of the few out-of-town trips I did when I lived in London. I couldn’t believe we were still in the UK. St Ives in Cornwall takes a few hours to get to by train, but is totally worth it!
This is equally valid if you live in a smaller town. By venturing out a little, you’ll get out of your day-to-day routine, and be reminded that there’s so much more on offer.
You don’t need to blow your budget, or go every weekend. But whenever you find yourself feeling the itch to get away, don’t ignore it — instead, try your best to make it happen.
5. See it from another perspective
When the novelty has worn off and you’re just going through the daily grind, you’re all the more likely to get fed up with the little things. But sometimes, the best way to appreciate your city again is to look at it through someone else’s eyes.
Imagine if your best friend was coming to visit. What would you show them? Where would you take them to really knock their socks off?
So, play at being a “tourist”, and spend the day as if you’re preparing for your friend’s visit. Scout out a few spots you’ve been meaning to explore but haven’t yet, like a neighborhood you usually just rush through, or an off-the-beaten-path restaurant that locals rave about.
Like #4, this little exercise is also a chance to break out of your daily routine. Even if you don’t actually have a friend’s visit coming up, doing a trial run on your own lets you replicate that feeling of experiencing it all for the first time.
Another great way to see your city from a fresh perspective is to actually see it from a fresh perspective — that is, by watching a movie or TV show set there (seriously, does anyone else ever get a rush of pride whenever they spot their city being portrayed on TV, and can recognise the filming locations?). Seeing a different interpretation of it can highlight aspects of the culture, history, or neighborhoods you hadn’t noticed before - and make you realise that you might not know it as well as you thought you did.
6. Get involved with the community
No matter where you live, there are usually countless ways to connect with people who share similar interests and hobbies. Getting involved in activities like sports, art, or volunteering can quickly make a big, bustling place feel more like home.
It doesn’t have to be a huge commitment. For instance, you could start by joining a local club or group. Many cities offer everything from casual sports leagues, to book clubs, and language exchanges. If you’re in a city like London, you might find yourself drawn to one of the free weekly parkruns, or to local art workshops where you can connect with other creatives.
Volunteering is another great way to feel connected while giving back, whether you’re helping at a community garden, supporting a local charity, tutoring in English, or lending a hand at neighborhood events. It’s a great way to get to know your city better, as well as the people who make it as special as it is.
Final thoughts
No matter where you’re living, there will always be parts of it that challenge you, and parts that charm you. But if you find yourself getting annoyed at every little aspect of it, don’t give up — there’s always a way back from it.
All it takes is a fresh perspective, a little curiosity, and the willingness to step out of your routine. By trying something new, you’ll be able to find those moments that remind you why you came and why, despite the challenges, you’re still here.
